So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
