the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
