Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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