thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
