Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
