saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
