it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I touched a dick in church today
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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