Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
