his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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