my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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