im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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