tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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