First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
