i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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