Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
