yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So gin and wine won't be happening again
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
