You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
