Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
