Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Terrible idea I love it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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