Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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