Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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