i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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