I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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