I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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