I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
