Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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