Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
