when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
