I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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