I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
