just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
