ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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