I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
