the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
