Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
