I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
operation harelip BJ is a go
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
