Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
