Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
