Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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