Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
