Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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