that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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