Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
