I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
