i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How external is "for external use only"?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
