Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
