i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
