Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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