I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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