I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
